Changing vs. Pretending

“But you would pretend if it got too unsafe, wouldn’t you?”

it’s not questioning, it’s begging

and it’s love

but it’s troubling

first how she doesn’t seem to notice

how judicious i am with my words

has always been

hiding in plain sight

how i have trained myself not to trip

over a bigness no diet can minimize

because it is not a bigness of body

but of capacity

how much i can carry

“I won’t do that. Ever.”

the words shoot out of me quick and hot

like the goo inside an over-microwaved pizza pocket

burning and nourishing and toxic all at once

in the next moment, we are both crying

to a song about the quickness of life

that only change can prepare us for

changing vs. pretending

stays on my mind for days

how i used to like to dress up

now

it mostly feels like a distraction

and i am already very distracted

trying so hard

not to be distracted from anything

not to take it personal

not to take it out on any body

night falls again without her

and i am still myself

a soul